Horror Movie Murderers Ranked By My Ability to Beat Them in a Fight

From least likely to most likely that I win.

1. Jason Voorhees, Friday the 13th. Many of the monsters and killers on this list have fearsome backstories, or catchphrases, or definable character traits. Jason Voorhees can only do one thing: Not die. He’s infinitely powerful, he’s relentless, he’s impenetrable. There is nothing that can stop Jason Voorhees, to the point that you can shoot him into space and thousands of years in the future and it doesn’t even slow him down. That is the central plotline of every Friday the 13th movie: Can’t kill this dude. So I’m probably not going to even try. After all: He can punch your head off and have it land in a dumpster.

2. Michael Myers, Halloween. Scarier than Jason Voorhees — Myers has always had better directors making his movies — but less inhuman: You can actually kill Michael Myers, if you have enough stuff to blow him up. I’ll put it this way: I do not think Michael Myers could punch my head off. He’d kill me: Let’s not kid ourselves here. But punching my head off? With one shot? Nope.

3. Freddy Kruger, A Nightmare on Elm Street. Obviously, the knives-for-fingers bit is a problem, neverminding the whole you-can’t-fall-asleep complication. But you’ve always got a little bit of a chance with Freddy Kruger because he never, ever stops talking. Roger Ebert’s Fallacy of the Talking Killer clearly states:

The villain wants to kill the hero. He has him cornered at gunpoint. All he has to do is pull the trigger. But he always talks first. He explains the hero’s mistakes to him. Jeers. Laughs. And gives the hero time to think his way out of the situation, or be rescued by his buddy.

Kruger ran into this constantly. Jason and Michael Myers never talked, which meant you never had any time to distract them. Freddy Kruger, because he was played by a real actor (Robert Englund), was always yammering on. Gives me a slight chance. Only a slight one, though.